Mayberry Meets Washington D.C.

It is a historic day in Mayberry. Of all the bergs in America, Mayberry was chosen to host the National Town Hall meeting and all of Washington D.C. has come to town. Of course all of Mayberry has spruced up and turned out.

The first scene begins with a meeting of Sheriff Andy Taylor, Deputy Barney Fife, and Mayberry Mayor Pike at the courthouse as they wait the impending arrival of President Barak Obama and other national politicians and well-known TV personalities. 

Barney Fife: Boy Andy, this is big! Big I tell you! Nothing like this has ever happened in Mayberry.

Andy Taylor: Barney, what is that you are a-wearing? 

Barney: This is the new uniform Mayor Pike got for us to wear on this special day. He has one for you to wear too. 

Andy: I am not going to wear that silly looking thing. 

Mayor Pike: And why not Andy? After all, the whole nation will be watching us. I plan to have my daughter, Juanita, sing Flow Gently Sweet Afton as we cut down the old oak tree on the town square before the President speaks.

Andy: I don’t think that is such a good idea, Mayor.

Just then Andy’s Aunt Bee and son, Opie come into the courthouse. Aunt Bee has come to put fresh linens on the beds in the jail cells and Opie is all stiff and scratchy in a brand new suit. 

Opie: Do I have to wear this Pa? It sure does itch a lot.

Andy: Aunt Bee-ee, what have you done with Opie and why are you puttin clean sheets on the bed? It seems like the whole town has gone crazy or something.

At that moment the doors of the courthouse fly open and in swarm Secret Servant agents checking out the security to make things ready when President Obama, Speaker Nancy Pelosi and the rest of their party arrive. Barney immediately reacts.

Barney: Why hello fellas! My name is Barnard P. Fife and I am the deputy here in Mayberry- you know we are in the same crime-fightin business. I can tell you that here at the rock security is…

The Secret Service Agents interrupt him and tell Barney they have no time for small talk.They give the all clear and the presidental party enters and the president starts talking and talking about how they need to change up the courthouse.

 

 

President Obama: Okay, anything you men need here in Mayberry to better help you in your jobs?

Barney: Uh, well, Mr. President, uh, we have needed a new fingerprint kit here for a long time. I have requested one from the boys down at the state capital, but they never answered.

Obama: A fingerprint kit you say? Deputy Fike, you will get one! I will put it in the latest stimulus package.

Barney: Er, that is Fife sir- F-i-f-e.

Just then the town drunk Otis stumbles into the courthouse- somehow eluding all the Secret Service agents. Everyone responds and the agents throw Otis to the floor. 

Andy: O- TIS! How’d you get in here? What a time for you to show up! Mr. President I am so sorry….

Obama: That is okay sheriff. This man looks very ill to me. Does he have adequate health coverage?

Andy: Well, I don’t know. You see Mr. President, Otis is harmless enough. He just likes the moonshine a little too mu…

Obama: Mayor Pike, I want you to see that this man gets health care coverage- at no charge to him. It is clear that this is his main problem. Everything else will automatically become better for him with free health care.

Mayor: But Mr. President, who will pay for it?

Obama: The city of Mayberry, of course. Redistribute a little of the wealth around here and take care of that man! Like it or not that is the way it is. Do you understand?

Mayor: Yes sir, I guess. I do need to tell you about what we have planned. My daughter will sing as we cut down the old oak tree…

This gets Nancy Pelosi’s attention and she speaks up rather forcefully.

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Mayor, you will not cut down that tree. That tree may be the only thing standing in the way of major climate change for Mayberry. If you touch that tree I will make sure your city no longer gets funding. Is that clear?  

With that they all- except Otis who gets to enjoy the clean sheets- head out for town square and the festivities. Outside the radio and TV networks have already set up shop and have been airing coverage non-stop for several hours. FOX’ News’ Glenn Beck is interviewing Mayberry resident Gomer Pyle.

Glenn Beck: Hello America, my special guest from Mayberry is Mr. Gomer Pyle. Gomer is one of the many industrious, everyday Americans who work to retain the hardworking values that made our country great. His job is as American as apple pie. He labors at the local filling station as a service technician. Gomer what do you have to say?

Gomer Pyle: Shazam!

Glenn: Gomer, I will get right to the point. As a working American, what do you think about the cap and trade bill?

Gomer: Well, I once traded an old cap of mine to my cousin Goober, but I didn’t get any bills for it. He just gave me an old Captain America comic book.

Glenn: But is it safe to say that someone in your position whose business is so heavily connected to the automobile industry would not be in favor of any legislation that would force wasteful and unnecessary restrictions upon that industry?

Gomer: I reckon.

Glenn: Thank you, Gomer. It has been a real pleasure chatting with another American entrepreneur. Anything you would like to say before you go?

Gomer: Good luck to you and yours. Tell everyone Gomer says hey!

The festivities get underway on the town square. The first speaker is Senate Majority leader, Harry Reid. He begins by scolding Mayberry for its lack of diversity and demands that they move into the 21^st century. Meanwhile Rush Limbaugh and his EIB radio network are covering the event. As Reid speaks Rush begins interviewing Barney Fife.

Rush Limbaugh: Here with me today, ladies and gentlemen, is a grand member of the fraternity of men and women who provide us protection from the evil that creeps all round us every day. He is a brave servant of law and order in this wonderful Americana town of Mayberry- Deputy Bernard P. Fipe. Hello deputy.

Barney: Uh, that is Fife- F-i-f-e.

Rush: Tell us deputy how goes the law enforcement business. Our EIB listeners want to know. Had any good cases lately?

Barney: Boy have we! We broke the Rafe Hollister case not long ago. Pow, pow, pow! We smashed that still!

Rush: Sounds dangerous.

Barney: You bet it was, but me and ole Roscoe (patting his pistol)- we make the streets of Mayberry safe. They don’t call me fearless Fife for nothing you  know.

Rush: Let me ask you this deputy. Has Mayberry ever been threatened by terrorists?

Barney: Well, that Ernest T. Bass is sure a terror. He comes down from the mountains every now and then and sure scares people and make a mess of things.

Rush: Hmmm, have you ever reported him to Homeland Security?

Barney: Well, after he caused a scene at the Army recruiting station that time, we did send a report down to the boys at the state capital, but we never heard from them.

Rush: So let me get this straight. First you have this crazed terrorist…

Barney: He’s a nut.

Rush: …this terrorist who periodically invades the good citizens of this All-American  traditional town and creates havoc- even going so far as to disrupt the recruitment process of our Armed forces- the very people who are called to protect us against world evil and terrorism- and this activity overwhelms your small but effective law enforcement staff. You then report it and NOTHING is done about this threat! You see, good listeners, this is why you tune into the EIB network. We give you the story you will not hear reported by the left-wing media. RIGHT HERE- in small town America people just like you are under siege by terrorism- who knows there could be a sleeper al qaeda cell group operating out of this mountain- and the Democratic powers-that-be just sit back and do nothing. So typical of what is wrong with our country under this current administration. Hmmm, I bet if this Ernest T. Bass character needed health coverage the government would find him!

Thank you Deputy Five for enlightening America today!

Barney: That’s Fife- F-i-f-e.

Back at the town square President Obama begins his speech. He says it is time for change in Mayberry. He promises to bring some color to their black-and-white world. He talks about meeting a little boy named, Leon, who offered him a bite of his sandwich and promises America that every little boy like Leon will have a sandwich to share equally. He promises to add this to his next stimulus package. He continues on like this for over an hour until almost everyone is stunned into a daze- with one exception.

As he finishes MSNBC’s Chris Matthews is wiping away his flood of tears and is heard commenting on how for a moment he forgot that Obama was “of this world.” Finally he composes himself and begins interviewing his guest, Floyd the barber. 

Chris Matthews: My guest is Mayberry barber Floyd Lawson. What a speech Floyd! Have you ever heard anything so eloquent? His words made my legs tingle!

Floyd Lawson: Oooh, maybe you need to see a doctor about that. We have a good one in Mayberry.

Chris: What do you think about the president?

Floyd: He has a nice head.- real even ears- it would be nice to cut his hair. I could make the sideburns look real nice.

Chris: Mr. Lawson, I think our viewers would like to know how your barbering business is doing in this economy?

Floyd: Well, okay I guess. It really went well when we had that pretty manicurist. Let me tell you, but ooh, the wives didn’t like it-no not one bit- didn’t like it.

Chris: How about now?

Floyd: Well, I have always wanted to have a two chair shop. That would be so nice.

Chris: So why haven’t you ever gotten a second chair?

Floyd: Well, I did this one time but this guy- ooh- he was a crook…

Chris: I understand, Mr. Lawson that you have been in business many years now and still have not been able to add the second chair. Could it be possible that this is the result of the failed policies of the Bush administration- and yes even the Reagan era trickle-down economics? Not enough ever trickled down to you Mr. Lawson. But hope is here and in Mayberry right now. It won’t be long now, Mr. Lawson and you will have that second chair.

Floyd: Tricke down, yea…oh boy, wait til I tell Andy! Say, you have nice hair. It would be real nice to cut it.

 

 

 

As events wind down and the President and company are about to leave, Ernest T. Bass shows up- dressed in a suit and with his hair slicked back. Immediately Andy and Barney rush to stop him. He begins creating a commotion saying that all he wants to do is meet the President. Obama overhears this and decides it would be a good thing to met him- as the camera’s roll. Obama even bows to Ernest T. Bass as he greets him.

Obama: What can I do for you Mr. Bass?

Ernest T: (nervous) How do you do, Missus Wi-ley? 

Obama: Do you have health insurance coverage Mr. Bass?

Ernest T: How do you do, Miss-us Wi-ley?

At that Andy gently takes Ernest T. to the side, explains that Ernest T. is just practicing his manners and wishes the president and his group well as they all leave. Aunt Bea rushes up and gives everyone a bag of fried chicken and sandwichs for the road. Later as Andy and Barney are relaxing and sitting on Andy’s front porch. 

Andy: What a day Barn. What a day! I thought for a minute ole Ernest T. was gonna give us some trouble!

Barney: I thought he wanted my new uniform.

Andy: Well, alls well that ends well, right Barn! 

Barney: Yea Ange. You know I think I am gonna go over to Thelma Lou’s and watch a George Raft movie on the TV. Yep, that is what I am gonna do.

Andy: Well, make sure you wear that fancy uniform. You looked like a peacock in that thing, you know that?

Barney: You’re just full of fun today, aren’t you? Why don’t we go up to the old people’s home and wax the steps?”

THE END

Mayberry Meets Charlie’s Angels

 

(Opening scene is the familiar living room setting of the Charles Townsend Detective Agency. Around the coffee table sits Charlie’s right-hand man, John Bosley and Charlie’s three angels, Sabrina Duncan, Jill Munroe and Kelly Garrett. They have just received via conference call their latest assignment- the angels are about to be dispatched to the small town of Mayberry, North Carolina. It seems that a cartel of international moonshine distributers have made this sleepy berg its headquarters. With Bosley’s help they begin to work on their cover stories. Meanwhile back at Mayberry…)

Andy: (opening up the morning mail) Well, look-a-here Barney, the state office is sending us some help. Looks like we will have another deputy for a couple of weeks. Seems, this feller is coming to work on some type of special assignment.

Barney: If that just don’t beat all! If that just don’t beat all! Andy, why don’t them state office boys just let us handle these things? We are duly trained officers of the law. Coming in from Raleigh like that- these state boys are nothing but interlopers.

Andy: Yea, I know Barney.

Barney: Well, I tell you what I am gonna do. They are not going to get any help from me. I am going to give this interloper the big freeze!

Andy: Huh?

Barney: The big freeze Ange! They are not going to get any help from Barney Fife. No sir. It’s the big freeze!

(At that time the door opens and Kelly Garret walks in. She is undercover as the temporary state office deputy and introduces herself to Andy and Barney)

Andy: (grinning) Well now, I never thought the boys at the state office would be a girl.

Kelly: I just want to be considered as a part of the department while here Sheriff. Is that okay with you Deputy Fife?

Barney: (blushing) We- ell.

Kelly: Deputy Fife, you are somewhat of a legend at the state office. I did a study on how you handled the Luke Jenson case. Wonderful job of police work.

Barney: (losing composure a little) Uh, well, uh, well you can call me Barney. (regaining his confidence) And that Jenson case was a tough one for sure. He was a rough character but they don’t call me fearless Fife for nothin, you know.

Kelly: Well Deputy Fife I would love for you to help me do some investigating on this special case I am working on. If you will come with me we will get started.

Barney: You betcha! Oh boy, it is time to do some real investigating! (they start to leave)

Andy: But wait a minute Barney, aren’t you forgetting something?

Barney: Huh?

Andy: Remember? The big freeze!

(As they leave Floyd comes rushing in all flustered seeking Andy’s help)

Floyd: Andy, Andy, Andy, oh, er, this girl, Andy, she, Andy, oh my, Andy.

Andy: Now just settle down Floyd. What’s the problem?

Floyd: This girl, Andy, she is at my shop. She is, oh my, a manicurist. Andy, she wants to work, Andy. What am I going to do? We don’t have manicures in Mayberry, Andy.

Andy: You say she is at your shop right now?

Floyd: Yea

Andy: Okay Floyd now just calm down. Let’s go and see if we can get to the bottom of this.

(They go to the barber shop were Andy meets the second angel, Jill Munroe, whose cover is as a manicurist)

Jill: It sure is a pleasure to meet you Sheriff. I just arrived in your fine town off of the bus and am seeking employment as a manicurist. I have all of my equipment and could set up right here on this little table in front of the window.

Andy: Well, Miss Munroe, this is a barber shop and we have never seen anything like you, er, never seemed to have a need for manicures.

Jill: But Sheriff, if I could just have a chance- you will see- I think I could get some customers.

Andy: Well, Floyd, I guess it couldn’t hurt. Why don’t you give the young lady a chance? Show her some good ole Mayberry hospitality.

Floyd: It couldn’t hurt? Yea, that’s right, it couldn’t hurt! Okay we will give it a chance.

(Jill begins to set up and Andy returns to the courthouse just in time to meet the third angel, Sabrina. She is undercover as a newspaper reporter in town to do a story on the Sheriff without a gun.)

Andy: You don’t say? A newspaper wants to do a story on me? I don’t know…

Sabrina: But Sheriff, you not carrying a gun is news. People want to know about that. So if you do not mind, I would like to follow you around, take some pictures and see what you do during a typical day.

Andy: Well, there is really not that much to tell…

(Kelly and Barney enter at that time and introductions are made. Sabrina decides to take a picture of all three for her story)

Barney: Wow! A newspaper reporter working on a big story right here in Mayberry! Is it your lucky day! Me and deputy Kelly here are just in the middle of a big case.

Andy: Barney, maybe you shouldn’t be talking about that!

Barney: (whispering) Don’t pay much attention to Ange, the kid sometimes just doesn’t get it. And do you know the real reason why he doesn’t carry a gun? (pointing to his own gun) it is because of ole Roscoe here. I got it covered.

(Andy, Barney, Kelly and Sabrina continue to talk as Helen Crump enters the courthouse. Andy rushes over to her and  introduces the girls and then goes outside with Helen.)

 Helen: (Angry) So you are telling me that you are going to have to be around those girls now?

Andy: He-len, it is just all a part of my job.

Helen: I suppose hanging out at Floyd’s barbershop with that new manicurist is just part of your job too?

Andy: I was just trying to help Floyd.

Helen: Well, Andy Taylor, it seems to me that you have certainly been helping out yourself a lot lately.

Andy: Heell- een!

Helen: But don’t bother trying to help me out! (storming off very angry) I don’t need your kind of help!

Barney: (having just come out of the courthouse) What’s wrong Ange?

Andy: (Shaking his head) It’s Helen. She’s mad because of these new girls around here.

Barney: Well Ange, it’s like I have been trying to tell you. You have to be firm with women. That is what it takes. Being firm.

Andy: Oh Bar-neee!

Barney: You take Thelma Lou. Now she would never react that way. Gotta treat em firm. I got that little girl in my hip pocket.

Andy: You do, do you?

Barney: Yessir, (patting his back pocket) I got her right here in my hip pocket.

(About that time they notice a ruckus going on at Floyd’s Barbershop and rush over to investigate. It seems that all the menfolk in Mayberry had been flocking to the shop to get their nails done, but a backlash then occurred from their wives and Andy and Barney arrive just in time to see the wives dragging their husbands away)

Floyd: Oh boy, this is bad, Andy. This is bad.

Andy: Settle down Floyd. What happened?

Jill: I don’t know Sheriff, everything was going well, then all of a sudden I lost all of my business.

Floyd: This is baaaad.

Barney: Pipe down Floyd, let the professionals handle this! (looking at Jill) Uh, well, I guess I could be your customer. (he sits down to have his nails done)

Andy: Now Jill, you have to understand that all of this is new to Mayberry. And you have to understand that nature has been very goo–ood to you, and that…. (he is interrupted by Thelma Lou who was walking by and saw Barney getting his nails down. She comes in the shop)

Thelma Lou: Barney Fife!

Barney: Uh, why, hi Thel.

Thelma Lou: What do you think you are doing?

Barney: I am just trying to help…

Thelma Lou: (upset) It looks like to me that you are the one being helped! Men, you are all alike! Well, Mr. Fife, don’t bother coming over to pick me up for the dance tonight! (she rushes out)

Barney: Thel, Thel?

Andy: Hip pocket huh?

Barney: (Getting mad) Well, if she thinks that is going to bother Bernard P. Fife, she’s got another thing comin. Two can play at this game you know! I’ll show her!(looking at Jill) Uh, Jill, uh, do you think you might want to go a dance tonight?

Jill: A dance? Sure. I love to dance.

Barney: (excited) You do? You would? Wow! Okay. Meet you at the courthouse at eight. (Andy and Barney leave)

Andy: Barney, I don’t think that was a good idea.

Barney: Gotta be firm Ange. Say, why don’t you ask that newspaper reporter?

Andy: Uh-uh. I don’t think so Barn. Helen is already mad enough. I think I will go over to her house tonight and try to straighten all this out.

Barney: You will never learn will you Ange? You just go right ahead, but you are not going to catch Barney Fife doing that!

(They each go home. In the meantime, the angels have all met and feel positive from the information they have gathered in their undercover roles that they the leader of the international cartel will be at the dance, so they all plan to go. Since they will need dates Jill calls up Barney and asks if he can get dates for the other two girls. He agrees and they all plan to meet at the courthouse at eight. Barney in his salt and pepper suit and the three angels are the first to arrive. They only wait a few minutes when Gomer and Goober Pyle show up)

Barney: Well, girls here are your dates.

Gomer: Shazam! Boy we sure are gonna have some fun tonight, right Goober?

Goober: Yo!

Gomer: Hey Goober, take off on Cary Grant for the girls. Your’e gonna love this. Goober can sure take off on Cary Grant. Can’t you Goober? Take off on em!

Goober: Well…

Gomer: C’mon Goober, take off on Cary Grant.

Goober: Well okay, Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy

Gomer: (slapping his leg and laughing) Ain’t that the best take off on Cary Grant you ever heard? How do you do that Goober?

Gomer: He can take off on Chester on Marshall Dillon too. Go ahead Goober.

Goober: Oh, Gomer

Gomer: Take off on Chester, Goober.

Goober: Oh, Gomer

Gomer: Do it Goober!

Kelly: Well, if he doesn’t want to do it…

Goober: I’ll do it! (He then walks around with one leg stiff)

Gomer: (laughing) Don’t that just beat anything you ever saw! He can sew up his fingers too. Go ahead Goober. (Goober starts to sew up his fingers) Goober, you beat all you know that?

Barney: Okay, okay, thank you Goober. Now let’s get on over to the dance.

Gomer: Oh boy, this is gonna be fun. And just think Goober, you thought we was gonna have-to-be in the stag line with old man Schwump!

Goober: Yo!

(They all arrive at the dance. Andy and Helen- having made up- are there. The angels quickly detach themselves from their dates to try to identify and catch the cartel leader. Goober and Gomer begin to dance with other people- including Helen- and Barney hangs out at the punch bowl down in the dumps)

Andy: Having a good time, Barn?

Barney: Ange, I sure do miss Thel. You know she is the girl for me. Going over to her house for fudge. Watching a George Raft movie on the TV. Yea, Ange, she is the one you know. Now, whash ams I gunna do?

Andy: (noticing Barney’s slurred speech) What did you say?

Barney: Thelmish Lou, Angdy, I missh her

Andy: How many cups of punch have you had Barney?

Barney: I dunno

Andy: Well, I don’t think you need anymore of that.

(About that time Gomer slings his current dancing partner, Helen, around so forcefully that she spins into Barney who in turn flips the punch bowl in the air causing it to land on another guest at the dance)

Barney: Gee, I sure am sorry Mishter!

(Just then all the angels converge upon the soaked man and with Bosley’s help [who had just arrived] arrest him. Through their undercover work they had pinpointed him to be the cartel leader)

Sabrina: Congratulations Deputy Fife, you have just captured the infamous Colonel Harvey, the ring leader of an international moonshining cartel! He and his gang have been exporting their elixir all over the world. We have been tracking him down and thanks to you, we caught him! (They then reveal who they really are)

Gomer: Shazam!

Andy: Yea, that is right! Way to go Barn! You knew it all along didn’t you? All this time- pretending to fight with Thelma Lou. You are something else you know that Barn!

Barney: (Looking surprised and still a little flush) Yea, that’s right Ange.

(The angels take Colonel Harvey away. Andy and Helen walk Barney to Thelma Lou’s where they make up. Later, Andy and Barney walk home)

Barney: Did you know those girls were undercover agents Andy?

Andy: Well, I figured something was going on. At first I thought they might be FBI agents but then when one of em got her picture took, I started thinking they might be undercover agents.

Barney: But we showed em Ange. Like I said all along. Just gotta be firm.

Andy: Just like you were with Thelma Lou right?

Barney: Well, I do have that little girl in my hip pocket, you know.

Andy: Is that why you were crying in the punch bowl tonight?

Barney: You are being obtuse Andy.

Andy: Well…

Barney: You are just being obtuse and you know I hate it when you are obtuse!

THE END

Mayberry Meets Sanford and Son

(On his way back from a trip to Philadelphia, Fred G. Sanford takes the wrong bus and ends up in Mayberry where he gets arrested for jaywalking at Checkpoint Chickie by Deputy Barney Fife who proceeds to take Fred to the courthouse in the side car of the official Mayberry Police motorcycle which he recently purchased at a war surplus sale)

Barney: All right fella, into the side car. You have got a date with the high sheriff of Mayberry to set your fine.

 

Fred: I don’t date just anybody! And what you mean? I ain’t gonna ride in this contraption.

 

Barney: No use arguing or else you will have to spend a little time in the rock.

 

(Fred reluctantly gets in the side car. Barney dons his helmet, goggles and gloves and drives wildly back to the courthouse, barely missing Aunt Bea coming out of the market, and then screeches to a stop as Sheriff Andy Taylor walks out of the door)

 

Andy: Barrr-neee! You need to slow down in that thing. You made Aunt Bea drop her grocery bag. Somebody’s gonna get hurt.

 

Barney: Deputy Bernard P. Fife reporting in with a prisoner- one Fred G. Sanford who was willfully jaywalking at Checkpoint Chickie!

 

Fred: (looking woozy) This sure don’t look like Watts to me. Hold on Elizabeth, I may be coming to you soon, honey!

Andy: (helping Fred out of the sidecar) Barney, did you have to bring him all the way in? Couldn’t you just give him a warning or something?

Barney: That is what is wrong around here! We have been mollycoddling criminals too long Sheriff. It is time we nip crime in the bud. He clearly is in violation of rule 33, section 4a of the code, Sheriff!

 

Andy: Okay, come on in Mr. Sanford. (They all go in the courthouse and gather around Andy’s desk)  I will set your fine at $10.

 

Fred: Ten dollars? Ten dollars? What do you mean- ten dollars? I ain’t got no ten dollars? But I can give your deputy here five (holding up his fist) – five across his lips!

Barney: (Excited) Are you threatening a duly sworn officer of the law? Andy, he just threatened me! We have to throw the book at him. We can’t let him get away with this! Nip it! Nip it in the bud!

Fred: You must be some kind of crazy person. (mumbling) Some kind of deputy dog or something!

 

Barney: I heard that! (holding up his fists- which in turn gets Fred to do his shadow boxing moves, causing Andy to get between them) Hold me back Andy! Let me at him! Hold me back! My whole body is a weapon. Hold me back!

 

Andy: Barrr-neee! That is no way for a duly sworn officer of the law to act! Okay, now both of you calm down and let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this. Mr. Sanford, you say you do not have ten dollars?

Fred: That’s right. The junk bisness is kind of slow right now.

 

Andy: Well, do you think you could get it anytime soon?

 

Fred: My son was with me in Philly and is supposed to be leaving there tomorrow. I guess he could come by and give it to you even though all you’re doin is robbing me. Who ever heard of jaywalking at some Checkpoint Chicken anyway?

 

Barney: There he goes again Andy! You are not going to let him get away with that again are you? Nip it!

 

Fred: (Holding up his fist again) Nip this!

 

Andy: (flustered) Settle down, settle down! We will let Mr. Sanford call his son and he can bring the fine by and that will be that. In the meantime Mr. Sanford will just have to stay locked up here at the courthouse.

 

Fred: Locked up! What kind of foolishness is that? What do you think the “G” in Fred G. Sanford stands for- Gambino! If you was in Watts, I’d ….. (he makes a move toward Barney)

 

Andy: That’s enough now! There is just no other way to do it. Try to understand. 

 

(Andy gets Sara to make the call into Philly and Lamont agrees to come down the next day and pay the fine. Meanwhile Fred is put into one of the cells. Barney agrees to spend the night and Aunt Bea sends up fried chicken for dinner)

 

Fred: Well, at least I am getting a good meal out of this.

 

(At that time Gomer Pyle comes into the courthouse)

Gomer: Andy told me you was working late Barn. I am on my way to the movie- The Tomato that Ate Pittsburg- I am gonna meet my cousin Goober there- it’s supposed to be a good un.

Barney: That is fine Gomer. You go right ahead. I am on official duty guarding our prisoner. (Gomer walks over to the cell and stares at Fred)

 

Gomer: Shazam!

 

Fred: What are you looking at honky? I have seen some ugly white men in my life- and you one of em!

 

Gomer: Surpise! Surprise! It’s just that we ain’t seen many folks like you around here. Once there was a feller who joined up with army that time when Earnest T. Bass wanted a uniform.

 

Barney: Leave the prisoner alone Gomer! If you get too close, he might try something. He threatened me today. He is a tricky one.

 

Gomer: Shazam!

 

Fred: I’d like to show you something alright! Just let me get out of here, I’ll show you something- something you ain’t never seen before- upside yo head!!! (Gomer leaves)

 

Barney: Alright- now settle down Sanford. You need to know that here at the Rock we have two rules. Memorize them so you can say them in your sleep- Rule number one: Obey all rules: Rule number two; no writing on the walls.

 

(Just then the door crashes open and in comes the town drunk Otis- he heads to his cell and finds Fred in it)

 

 

 

Otis: Barney, why is there someone in my cell? You know that is my cell? It has been for years. Why is someone in my cell?

Barney: Pipe down Otis! You can use the other cell tonight.

Otis: But Barney, you know I don’t sleep as well in that other cell- and I need my sleep. If I keep getting treated like this, I will take my business to the Mt.Pilot jail. I hear they have nice beds there.

Barney: Just get in the other cell Otis! And you better not have any of that moonshine on you either! (At this Otis sneaks his bottle out and pours the contents in the water urn on the table)

 

Fred: What kind of crazy place is this? A bunch of crazy honkeys, that’s what this place is….

 

(Barney comes over and takes a drink out of the water urn. Otis begins to get nervous)

 

Barney: Police work sure makes me thirsty.

 

Fred: Then you should not be thirsty cuz I ain’t seen you do any police work.

 

Barney: (Drinking his second cup of water and looking at it funny) Quiet down, prishoner Slandford.

 

Fred; (Noticing Barney’s slurred speech) Prisoner work makes me thirsty. Give me a drink of that water. (Barney gives him a cup and Fred smacks it around in his mouth a little) Hmmm, tastes almost like ripple. I believe I will have some more.

 

(Barney and Fred spend the rest of the evening drinking the spiked water. Barney confesses to Fred how that being sensitive has always been a mark of the Fifes. Fred begins singing “If I Didn’t Care” and Barney accompanies him on the harmonica.)

 

(The next morning Andy comes in and finds Barney slouched over in the chair at his desk and shakes him awake, and gets a good wiff)

 

Andy: Barrr- neee! You’re gassed!

Barney: I’m sorry Ange. I don’t know what happened. One minute I was reading the prisoner the rules and the next minute… well I can’t remember.

Andy: Barney this won’t do. It won’t do at taaaalll! (Andy helps him to his feet and takes him to the back room for coffee. He leaves Barney there to get himself together and then goes to talk to the prisoners)

 

Andy: Otis, did you have anything to do with this? Mr. Sanford, you need to get up. Your son should be here soon.

 

Otis: Don’t blame me Andy. Barney said I couldn’t take it in the cell with me.

 

Andy: Go-on Otis. Get home. We got important work to do round here this morning.

 

Otis: What a way to treat you most regular customer! (As he leaves, Lamont and a woman walk in)

 

Lamont: Sheriff Taylor, I am Lamont Sanford and this is my Aunt Esther and we are here to pay the $10 so Pop can get out.

 

(As Andy is about to answer, Fred wakes up, looks at Esther and starts blinking his eyes)

 

Fred: Sheriff, I didn’t know you had a zoo in town. Looks like one of the gorillas escaped!

Esther: You better shut up, you fished-eyed fool. We came down here for the redemption of your soul.

Fred: Redemption? Only thing you are going to redeem is this! (holding up his fist)  I am going to redeem this upside your head!

 

Lamont: Pop! Now Aunt Esther insisted to come down here with me. She was concerned about you and wants to help.

 

Fred: And you are just a big dummy! Hmmph, the only thing she is concerned about is if the Sheriff finds her wanted poster- Wanted- Esther- for multiple counts of criminal ugliness!

 

Esther: Hah! Glory! Why I am gonna come over there and drop that fool!

 

Andy: Now everyone calm down!

 

Lamont: Sorry Sheriff, here is the ten dollars. Can I take my Pop now?

 

(At that time Barney enters from the back room)

 

Barney: You can’t take that Andy. We have to have a trail.

 

Fred: A trial! I know you are crazy now- deputy dog!

 

Barney: I heard that! Andy, are you going to let him speak that way to me?

Andy: Settle down, Barney. We don’t need a trial. They are going to pay the fine.

Barney: Under rule 21, section 8b of the code, it states that all accused will have the opportunity for a fair and legal trial. You know that Andy.

Andy: Yea, I know it Barney, but under the circumstances, I am going to let them just pay the fine.

Fred: I knew it! They are just trying to get my ten dollars!  Lamont get me a lawyer! We are going to have a trial!

Barney: Pipe down, prisoner!

Esther: You don’t need a lawyer Fred, you need the Lord.

Fred: When I get outta here Esther you are gonna need more than the Lord! (He starts his shadow boxing again)

Esther: Watch it sucka!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Barney: Okay everyone, NIP IT, NIP IT IN THE BUD! (He takes his gun out, forgets he has his bullet in it, and shoots. Parts of the ceiling come crashing down upon him, but it quiets everyone down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Andy: Barney, give me your gun. (Barney reluctantly hands it over) Now, Lamont if you will just pay the fine, you, your dad and your aunt are all free to go.

(Lamont pays the fine and they all exit the courthouse)

Lamont: I was afraid they were going to throw the book at you in there, Pop.

 

Fred: Looks like somebody has already thrown the book at Esther and hit her!

Esther: Yea, Fred, then me and the ladies would have had to come and pray for you. What would you have to say for yourself then Fred, if they threw the book at you?

Fred: (Looking at Lamont) I would say- Book her, Dummo! (They all get on the bus and head back home to Watts. Back at the courthouse…)

Barney: That was a tricky one, Ange. Took all my training as a law officer to not hurt that fella. You know us Fifes. Everything we eat turns to muscle and I woulda hated to have to muscle up on that guy.

Andy: Yea, I know what you mean, Barn.

Barney: I am serious Andy. You know I do gun-drawing practice ten minutes a day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry.

Andy: Kinda like you did that ceiling?

Barney: You’re real funny, aren’t you? Laugh-a-minute Taylor. Regular Joe Pennar. Hoot. Hoot. Yuck. Yuck. Why don’t you go down to the hospital some night and take the bolts out of wheelchairs? That’d be funny too!  

THE END

 

Mayberry Meets Star Trek

 

 Here is a little known fact even among fans of the Andy Griffith Show and the original Star Trek- Two going-back-in-time episodes of Star Trek were filmed on the Mayberry set. Above is a still from one of those episodes with Kirk in front of Floyd’s Barbershop.

This got me to thinking about what might have occured had the Mayberry gang been around to greet some of the Enterprise crew. I can see it now….

(Kirk, Spock, Dr. McCoy and the extra crew member [XCM] who will be killed are beamed down by Scotty near the location of Wally’s Filling Station. Noticing activity there they approach the people- Gomer Pyle filling up the car of the “fun girls” Skippy and Daphne)

Kirk: Greetings, we come to you in peace from the USS Starship Enterprise.

Skippy: Say Daph, get a load of him. He is kinda cute.

Daphne: Hello doll.

Kirk: (Smirking) Hello yourself.

Skippy: He’s mine! I saw him first!

Daphne: Well, the other guy looks okay too, but not the one with the pointy ears.

Kirk: This is Dr. McCoy.

Daphne: Hello doll. And a doctor! Skip, we hit the jackpot! Howse about taking a little ride with us. We will show you around and maybe have a little fun.

Kirk: Well, that sounds like an enjoyable proposition to me. How about it Bones?

McCoy: My god, Jim. Is this all you think about? We are here on important Federation business. The entire future of the universe depends on us.

Kirk: You have got to learn to relax Bones. Spock and XCM can handle things here. It’s time to go boldly where many men have gone before. Let’s go girls!  

(They drive off in the direction of Myers Lake leaving Spock, XCM and Gomer there)

Spock: As the Captain was saying before he was distracted, we are here on official Federation business. Our research indicates that our enemies, the Klingons, have time-warped back to this particular point in time and space on planet Earth. We fear they are using a complex  liquid substance made from your corn to attempt to subvert the time-space continuim in order to alter the future in their favor.

Gomer: Shazam! I never have seen ears like them before. You are not from around here are you Mister?

Spock: No, I am from the planet Vulcan.

Gomer: Vulcan? That must be clean on the other side of Mt. Pilot. Can’t say as I ever heard of Vulcan though. Never seen ears like them neither.

Spock: I am First Officer of the USS Starship Enterprise and I need to find the Klingons immediately.

Gomer: Can’t recall any Klinguns around here neither. I do know some Clemons who live back over in the holler near my cousin Goober. Mister, do you think you can stay for a while? I’d sure would like Goober to see them ears. He would not believe me if’n he didn’t.

Spock: That is not possible. The Klingons have criminal intent in mind and I must find a way to stop them.

Gomer: Criminals eh? They may just be kin to the Clemons then. Everybody knows they run a still, but Sheriff Taylor and Barney can’t catch em at it.

Spock: Where is this Sheriff? He may be able to help us.

Gomer: Down at the courthouse I reckon. Just head yonder down that road. You can’t miss it.

Spock: Live long and prosper.

Gomer: Good luck to you and yours. Tell Andy and Barney that Gomer says hey.

(Spock and XCM go towards the courthouse and encounter Floyd the barber on the way)

Floyd: Hello fellas. Say, you must be new in town. Need a haircut? Oh, (seeing Spock) looks like you already got one- and he got your ears! heh heh heh

Spock: We are looking for your courthouse- as you call it.

Floyd: It is just next door. What are you fellas doing in town? Will you be here long? Sure you don’t want a haircut? Your sideburns look a little uneven. Kinda makes your ears stick out more.

Spock: That is illogical.

(Spock and XCM urgently enter the courthouse finding only Deputy Barney Fife leaning back in the chair behind the desk singing through the telephone to Juanita down at the Diner. Seeing them enter, Barney quickly acts like the call is official police business and hurriedly hangs up)

Barney: Can I help your fellers?

Spock: I am First Officer Spock from the USS Enterprise and we are here on an urgent mission to stop the criminal Klingons from altering the time-space continuum and thereby destroying the future as we know it. Sheriff we need your help.

(Barney gets all flustered and nervous and fumbles around trying to get his bullet out of his pocket)

Barney: Gosh, boy, I didn’t even know the Klingers were in town. I understand they are a tough gang. You guys from the state office should let us know about these things. Wait til Ange hears about this. Criminal Klingers in Mayberry! You can count on us!

Spock: Glad to hear that Sheriff…

Barney: Well, I don’t know if you should call me Sheriff. Andy Taylor- he is the high Sheriff of Mayberry. I am deputy Barney Fife. Andy is up at the Rafe Hollister place smashing Rafe’s still. You know what we do to them stills? Pow, pow pow! Yessir, pow, pow, pow!

Spock: So you are not the Sheriff?

Barney: Uh, no, well, I guess with Ange away I am the acting Sheriff. They don’t call me fast-gun Fife for nothing you know. My whole body is a weapon. Chop, chop! Now what can I do for you Spock? Let’s go get them Klingers!

Spock: Actually, by using the advance sonar from our ship, we have located the approximate coordinates where the Klingons are hiding. We need two things- someone who is familiar with the landscape there and a possible holding place to lock-up any surviving Klingons for a short time. Can you help with this Sheriff?

Barney: Are you kiddin! I know this place like the back of my hand. I was only lost just that once but I followed them lake loons back to safety. And here at the Rock we have two maximum security cells that no Klinger will ever be able to escape from.

Spock: Very good then. Let’s proceed. We have no time to waste.

(As they exit the courthouse a car speeds to a stop. Kirk and McCoy emerge from the fun girls car with lipstick all over their faces and their hair a mess)

Skippy: Look, Daph, its Bernie!

Daphne: Hello doll. (then they speed off)

Kirk: When have you had fun like that, Bones?

McCoy: (Woozy) Huh, what did you say Jim?

Spock: Are you okay Doctor? Do you need my assistance? I can administer the Vulcan mind-meld.

McCoy: Stay away from me Spock! Don’t be trying any of that Vulcan voodoo on me!

(Spock makes introductions and explains what they are about to do)

Kirk: Nice to have you on board Sheriff Fite.

Barney: That’s Fife- F-I-F-E. Boy, you state guys sure have some kind of uniforms. (Pointing to the Federation symbol on their chest) Is that some kind of new fangled badge?

Kirk: Why yes it is. It is just for our special team.

Barney: What will they think of next down at the state office? Uh, when this is over do you think you can help me with my request for a new fingerprint kit? I keep sending in the request, but nothing ever happens.

Kirk: Sheriff Fike…

Barney: That is Fife, and uh, I am not really the Sheriff, but Ange is out of town….

Kirk: Look, I will have to swear you to secrecy here. Uh, the boys in the lab at the state office have come up with some new weapons and gadgets to help us fight crime. So what you see here today you must keep to yourself. Is that understood?

Barney: Of course. You can count on reliable Barney Fife. That’s for sure. I would never spill any state office beans. Not me. Not ole Barn.

Kirk: Good. Have you found the exact location of the Klingons, Spock?

Spock: Yes Captain.

Kirk: (Taking out his transmitter and explaining to Barney that it is new type of walkie-talkie) Scotty beam five to the location Spock is sending. (Scotty tries but something goes wrong and Kirk and company are still in front of the courthouse)

Kirk: Scotty, we must be beamed over now!

Scotty: I’m given her everything I got Captain! (He tries again and successfully beams them over)

Barney: (Looking around in bewilderment) Wow! Those lab boys sure have got some kind of new gadgets! Now about that fingerprint kit….

Spock: According to my calculations the Klingons should be at the end of this road.

Kirk: Okay, set guns to vaporize.

(They all proceed down the road with ray guns and pistol at the ready. At the end of the road they do not find the Klingons however- just an old shack with the sounds of music coming out of it)

Barney: This ain’t no Klingers- It’s the Darling’s place! (At that moment Briscoe Darling, Charlene and the boys come out on the porch)

Briscoe: Well, if’n it ain’t the deputy! What are you doin in these parts? Who you done brought with ya now?

Barney: These are important men Mr. Darling and we are on official state business. We are looking for some criminals named Klingers and we think they are around here somewhere.

Briscoe: Klingers, you say? Don’t rightly know any of them. Do know some Clemons over in the back holler.  Sometimes they are up to no good.

Spock: Captain, we do not have time to waste. We must find the Klingons now.

Briscoe: Now wait just a dog-gonned minute here. That ain’t no ways to come up to a fellers homestead and be all in a hurry. Ya’ll come on in and set a spell. The boys here are just itching to pick a little, ain’t you boys?

(The boys just look blankly into space)

Briscoe: Now don’t get too excited boys. It ain’t good for yer breathin.

Charlene: Pa, the one with the funny ears is cute. Can I keep him?

Briscoe: Now, Charlene, how many times do I have to tell you. You are betrothed to Dud Walsh. You stay away from that feller. He don’t look to sophisticated in mountain ways. Besides you don’t want to have younguns walking around with them ears.

McCoy: My god, Jim! What kind of people is this? We have gone back to the dark ages.

Briscoe: Now listen here Mister…

Kirk: Okay, Mr. Darling, we will come up- but just for a moment.

Briscoe: Good and good, then. Howse about gettin started with “I’da Married Ya, but Ya Burnt Down My House”?

Charlene: That one makes me cry, Pa!

(They enter the shack and the boys start picking and singing Dooley. Briscoe gives Kirk a jug to play along and Charlene starts to dance with Spock. About that time a rock comes crashing through the window with a note on it. Barney picks it up and reads it.)

Barney: It’s from Earnest T Bass! It says, “If your a lookin for the Klinguns, look and see. It’s me, it’s me, it’s Earnest T!”

Kirk: Who is this Earnest T Bass?

Briscoe: He is a mean one, Captain.

Charlene: He is touched.

Barney: He’s a nut!

Kirk: Well, whatever he is, it appears that he is an ally of the Klingons. We will just have to deal with him too.

Barney: I will take care of Earnest T Bass. I will take him behind the woodshed and give him what for.

Briscoe: He’ll kill ya.

Barney: I will show him a thing or two.

Charlene: He’ll kill ya.

Barney: Or my name is not Benard P Fife!

Kirk: He’ll kill ya.

(Just then Spock gets an idea. He remembers it is the Klingon Month of Marriage and purposes to flush the Klingons out by offering up to them a bride. Knowing that it is far too dangerous for Charlene, they all agree to dress Barney up as a bride to entice the Klingons. They put Barney in a field as bait and wait. All of a sudden the Klingons emerge from the bushes led by Earnest T Bass. A huge fight ensues. XCM gets killed by a rock slung by Earnest T. but everyone else escapes injury while all the Klingons get zapped thereby saving the day. In the battle however, Barney was carried away by Earnest T but is saved when they give Earnest T a Federation u-knee-form in exchange for Barney)

(They all go back to Mayberry where they meet Andy. He invites them all over to his house for some good ole cooking from Aunt Bea. Upon arrival they see Opie crying, holding a bird he had just killed with his slingshot)

McCoy: (Taking the bird from Opie) My god Jim, these people are barbarians! (He then runs a gizmo over the bird and it flys away making Opie very happy)

(They are then joined by Gomer and enjoy a wonderful home-cooked meal together. Afterwards they go out on the front porch for some relaxing and guitar playing)

Gomer: Shazam! I have never heard of such doins as you fellers did today. Ga-aia-lee, pointy ears, fancy badges, new fangled walkie-talkies, travlin through space… (Kirk looks over at Barney)

Barney: Gome, don’t you have something to do or somewhere to go? Well, I didn’t think telling Gomer would hurt anything. He is a deputy sometimes, you know.

Kirk: We really must go.

Andy: What’s your hurry?

Barney: Yea, I am about to get up and go down to the drug store and get some ice cream and go over to Thelma Lou’s to watch a George Raft movie on TV. Yep, that is what I am gong to do. Want to come?

Gomer: Gee, Barn, that sounds like fun!

Barney: I wasn’t talking to you Gomer!

Spock: Captain, by my calculations we can only stay in this time for 10.3 seconds more or will run the risk of distorting the time-space continuum.

Andy: Well, we wouldn’t want you fellers to do that, now would we?

Kirk: Very good, I will contact Scotty and have him beam us up.

Andy: Be sure to tell the boys at the state office hello from us.

Barney: And about that fingerprint kit….

(Aunt Bea rushes out just in time with paper bags full of sandwiches and fried chicken for the road. Kirk, Spock and McCoy say their farewells and walk behind a bush and are beamed up)

Opie: Gee, Pa, I wanted those guys to stay so I could enjoy some adventure sleepin on the ironing board.

Barney: The streets of Mayberry are safe once more. If I say so myself Ange, those state boys were just a little lost out there in the mountains.

Gomer: I gotta ask Goober if he has ever been to Vulcan. I wonder if all them fellers there have pointy ears? And Barney, when are you and Andy gonna get them fancy uniforms?

Barney: Huh?

Gomer: Tell me again how you looked as a bride Barn?

Barney: Nip it Gomer! Nip it in the bud!

THE END