You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Charlie’s Angels’ category.

(Opening scene is the familiar living room setting of the Charles Townsend Detective Agency. Around the coffee table sits Charlie’s right-hand man, John Bosley and Charlie’s three angels, Sabrina Duncan, Jill Munroe and Kelly Garrett. They have just received via conference call their latest assignment- the angels are about to be dispatched to the small town of Mayberry, North Carolina. It seems that a cartel of international moonshine distributers have made this sleepy berg its headquarters. With Bosley’s help they begin to work on their cover stories. Meanwhile back at Mayberry…)

Andy: (opening up the morning mail) Well, look-a-here Barney, the state office is sending us some help. Looks like we will have another deputy for a couple of weeks. Seems, this feller is coming to work on some type of special assignment.

Barney: If that just don’t beat all! If that just don’t beat all! Andy, why don’t them state office boys just let us handle these things? We are duly trained officers of the law. Coming in from Raleigh like that- these state boys are nothing but interlopers.

Andy: Yea, I know Barney.

Barney: Well, I tell you what I am gonna do. They are not going to get any help from me. I am going to give this interloper the big freeze!

Andy: Huh?

Barney: The big freeze Ange! They are not going to get any help from Barney Fife. No sir. It’s the big freeze, I tell ya.

(At that time the door opens and Kelly Garret walks in. She is undercover as the temporary state office deputy and introduces herself to Andy and Barney)

Andy: (grinning) Well now, I never thought the boys at the state office would be a girl.

Kelly: I just want to be considered as a part of the department while here Sheriff. Is that okay with you Deputy Fife?

Barney: (blushing) We- ell.

Kelly: Deputy Fife, you are somewhat of a legend at the state office. I did a study on how you handled the Luke Jenson case. Wonderful job of police work.

Barney: (losing composure a little) Uh, well, uh, well you can call me Barney. (regaining his confidence) And that Jenson case was a tough one for sure. He was a rough character but they don’t call me fearless Fife for nothin, you know.

Kelly: Well Deputy Fife I would love for you to help me do some investigating on this special case I am working on. If you will come with me we will get started.

Barney: You betcha! Oh boy, it is time to do some real investigating! (they start to leave)

Andy: But wait a minute Barney, aren’t you forgetting something?

Barney: Huh?

Andy: The big freeze, remember?

(As they leave Floyd comes rushing in all flustered seeking Andy’s help)

Floyd: Andy, Andy, Andy, oh, er, this girl, Andy, she, Andy, oh my, Andy.

Andy: Now just settle down Floyd. What’s the problem?

Floyd: This girl, Andy, she is at my shop. She is, oh my, a manicurist. Andy, she wants to work, Andy. What am I going to do? We don’t have manicures in Mayberry, Andy.

Andy: You say she is at your shop right now?

Floyd: Yea

Andy: Okay Floyd now just calm down. Let’s go and see if we can get to the bottom of this.

(They go to the barber shop were Andy meets the second angel, Jill Munroe, whose cover is as a manicurist)

 

Jill: It sure is a pleasure to meet you Sheriff. I just arrived in your fine town off of the bus and am seeking employment as a manicurist. I have all of my equipment and could set up right here on this little table in front of the window.

Andy: Well, Miss Munroe, this is a barber shop and we have never seen anything like you, er, never seemed to have a need for manicures.

Jill: But Sheriff, if I could just have a chance- you will see- I think I could get some customers.

Andy: Well, Floyd, I guess it couldn’t hurt. Why don’t you give the young lady a chance? Show her some good ole Mayberry hospitality.

Floyd: It couldn’t hurt? Yea, that’s right, it couldn’t hurt! Okay we will give it a chance.

(Jill begins to set up and Andy returns to the courthouse just in time to meet the third angel, Sabrina. She is undercover as a newspaper reporter in town to do a story on the Sheriff without a gun.)

 

Andy: You don’t say? A newspaper wants to do a story on me? I don’t know…

Sabrina: But Sheriff, you not carrying a gun is news. People want to know about that. So if you do not mind, I would like to follow you around, take some pictures and see what you do during a typical day.

Andy: Well, there is really not that much to tell…

(Kelly and Barney enter at that time and introductions are made. Sabrina decides to take a picture of all three for her story)

Barney: Wow! A newspaper reporter working on a big story right here in Mayberry! Is it your lucky day! Me and deputy Kelly here are just in the middle of a big case.

Andy: Barney, maybe you shouldn’t be talking about that!

Barney: (whispering) Don’t pay much attention to Ange, the kid sometimes just doesn’t get it. And do you know the real reason why he doesn’t carry a gun? (pointing to his own gun) it is because of ole Roscoe here. I got it covered.

(Andy, Barney, Kelly and Sabrina continue to talk as Helen Crump enters the courthouse. Andy rushes over to her and  introduces the girls and then goes outside with Helen.)

Helen: (Angry) So you are telling me that you are going to have to be around those girls now?

Andy: He-len, it is just all a part of my job.

Helen: I suppose hanging out at Floyd’s barbershop with that new manicurist is just part of your job too?

Andy: I was just trying to help Floyd.

Helen: Well, Andy Taylor, it seems to me that you have certainly been helping out yourself a lot lately.

Andy: Heell- een!

Helen: But don’t bother trying to help me out! (storming off very angry) I don’t need your kind of help!

Barney: (having just come out of the courthouse) What’s wrong Ange?

Andy: (Shaking his head) It’s Helen. She’s mad because of these new girls around here.

Barney: Well Ange, it’s like I have been trying to tell you. You have to be firm with women. That is what it takes. Being firm.

Andy: Oh Bar-neee!

Barney: You take Thelma Lou. Now she would never react that way. Gotta treat em firm. I got that little girl in my hip pocket.

Andy: You do, do you?

Barney: Yessir, (patting his back pocket) I got her right here in my hip pocket.

(About that time they notice a ruckus going on at Floyd’s Barbershop and rush over to investigate. It seems that all the menfolk in Mayberry had been flocking to the shop to get their nails done, but a backlash then occurred from their wives and Andy and Barney arrive just in time to see the wives dragging their husbands away)

Floyd: Oh boy, this is bad, Andy. This is bad.

Andy: Settle down Floyd. What happened?

Jill: I don’t know Sheriff, everything was going well, then all of a sudden I lost all of my business.

Floyd: This is baaaad.

Barney: Pipe down Floyd, let the professionals handle this! (looking at Jill) Uh, well, I guess I could be your customer. (he sits down to have his nails done)

Andy: Now Jill, you have to understand that all of this is new to Mayberry. And you have to understand that nature has been very goo–ood to you, and that…. (he is interrupted by Thelma Lou who was walking by and saw Barney getting his nails down. She comes in the shop)

Thelma Lou: Barney Fife!

Barney: Uh, why, hi Thel.

Thelma Lou: What do you think you are doing?

Barney: I am just trying to help…

Thelma Lou: (upset) It looks like to me that you are the one being helped! Men, you are all alike! Well, Mr. Fife, don’t bother coming over to pick me up for the dance tonight! (she rushes out)

Barney: Thel, Thel?

Andy: Hip pocket huh?

Barney: (Getting mad) Well, if she thinks that is going to bother Bernard P. Fife, she’s got another thing comin. Two can play at this game you know! I’ll show her!(looking at Jill) Uh, Jill, uh, do you think you might want to go a dance tonight?

Jill: A dance? Sure. I love to dance.

Barney: (excited) You do? You would? Wow! Okay. Meet you at the courthouse at eight. (Andy and Barney leave)

Andy: Barney, I don’t think that was a good idea.

Barney: Gotta be firm Ange. Say, why don’t you ask that newspaper reporter?

Andy: Uh-uh. I don’t think so Barn. Helen is already mad enough. I think I will go over to her house tonight and try to straighten all this out.

Barney: You will never learn will you Ange? You just go right ahead, but you are not going to catch Barney Fife doing that!

(They each go home. In the meantime, the angels have all met and feel positive from the information they have gathered in their undercover roles that they the leader of the international cartel will be at the dance, so they all plan to go. Since they will need dates Jill calls up Barney and asks if he can get dates for the other two girls. He agrees and they all plan to meet at the courthouse at eight. Barney in his salt and pepper suit and the three angels are the first to arrive. They only wait a few minutes when Gomer and Goober Pyle show up)

Barney: Well, girls here are your dates.

Gomer: Shazam! Boy we sure are gonna have some fun tonight, right Goober?

Goober: Yo!

Gomer: Hey Goober, take off on Cary Grant for the girls. Your’e gonna love this. Goober can sure take off on Cary Grant. Can’t you Goober? Take off on em!

Goober: Well…

Gomer: C’mon Goober, take off on Cary Grant.

Goober: Well okay, Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy

Gomer: (slapping his leg and laughing) Ain’t that the best take off on Cary Grant you ever heard? How do you do that Goober?

Gomer: He can take off on Chester on Marshall Dillon too. Go ahead Goober.

Goober: Oh, Gomer

Gomer: Take off on Chester, Goober.

Goober: Oh, Gomer

Gomer: Do it Goober!

Kelly: Well, if he doesn’t want to do it…

Goober: I’ll do it! (He then walks around with one leg stiff)

Gomer: (laughing) Don’t that just beat anything you ever saw! He can sew up his fingers too. Go ahead Goober. (Goober starts to sew up his fingers) Goober, you beat all you know that?

Barney: Okay, okay, thank you Goober. Now let’s get on over to the dance.

Gomer: Oh boy, this is gonna be fun. And just think Goober, you thought we was gonna have-to-be in the stag line with old man Schwump!

Goober: Yo!

(They all arrive at the dance. Andy and Helen- having made up- are there. The angels quickly detach themselves from their dates to try to identify and catch the cartel leader. Goober and Gomer begin to dance with other people- including Helen- and Barney hangs out at the punch bowl down in the dumps)

 

Andy: Having a good time, Barn?

Barney: Ange, I sure do miss Thel. You know she is the girl for me. Going over to her house for fudge. Watching a George Raft movie on the TV. Yea, Ange, she is the one you know. Now, whash ams I gunna do?

Andy: (noticing Barney’s slurred speech) What did you say?

Barney: Thelmish Lou, Angdy, I missh her

Andy: How many cups of punch have you had Barney?

Barney: I dunno

Andy: Well, I don’t think you need anymore of that.

(About that time Gomer slings his current dancing partner, Helen, around so forcefully that she spins into Barney who in turn flips the punch bowl in the air causing it to land on another guest at the dance)

Barney: Gee, I sure am sorry Mishter!

 

 

 

 

 

(Just then all the angels converge upon the soaked man and with Bosley’s help [who had just arrived] arrest him. Through their undercover work they had pinpointed him to be the cartel leader)

Sabrina: Congratulations Deputy Fife, you have just captured the infamous Colonel Harvey, the ring leader of an international moonshining cartel! He and his gang have been exporting their elixir all over the world. We have been tracking him down and thanks to you, we caught him! (They then reveal who they really are)

Gomer: Shazam!

Andy: Yea, that is right! Way to go Barn! You knew it all along didn’t you? All this time- pretending to fight with Thelma Lou. You are something else you know that Barn!

Barney: (Looking surprised and still a little flush) Yea, that’s right Ange.

(The angels take Colonel Harvey away. Andy and Helen walk Barney to Thelma Lou’s where they make up.

Later, Andy and Barney walk home)

Barney: Did you know those girls were undercover agents Andy?

Andy: Well, I figured something was going on. At first I thought they might be FBI agents but then when one of em got her picture took, I started thinking they might be undercover agents.

Barney: But we showed em Ange. Like I said all along. Just gotta be firm.

Andy: Just like you were with Thelma Lou right?

Barney: Well, I do have that little girl in my hip pocket, you know.

Andy: Is that why you were crying in the punch bowl tonight?

Barney: You are being obtuse Andy.

Andy: Well…

Barney: You are just being obtuse and you know I hate it when you are obtuse!

THE END