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Here is a little known fact even among fans of the Andy Griffith Show and the original Star Trek- Two going-back-in-time episodes of Star Trek were filmed on the Mayberry set. Above is a still from one of those episodes with Kirk in front of Floyd’s Barbershop.
This got me to thinking about what might have occured had the Mayberry gang been around to greet some of the Enterprise crew. I can see it now….
(Kirk, Spock, Dr. McCoy and the extra crew member [XCM] who will be killed are beamed down by Scotty near the location of Wally’s Filling Station. Noticing activity there they approach the people- Gomer Pyle filling up the car of the “fun girls” Skippy and Daphne)
Kirk: Greetings, we come to you in peace from the USS Starship Enterprise.
Skippy: Say Daph, get a load of him. He is kinda cute.
Daphne: Hello doll.
Kirk: (Smirking) Hello yourself.
Skippy: He’s mine! I saw him first!
Daphne: Well, the other guy looks okay too, but not the one with the pointy ears.
Kirk: This is Dr. McCoy.
Daphne: Hello doll. And a doctor! Skip, we hit the jackpot! Howse about taking a little ride with us. We will show you around and maybe have a little fun.
Kirk: Well, that sounds like an enjoyable proposition to me. How about it Bones?
McCoy: Goodness , Jim. Is this all you think about? We are here on important Federation business. The entire future of the universe depends on us.
Kirk: You have got to learn to relax Bones. Spock and XCM can handle things here. These look like fun girls. Let’s go Bones!
(They drive off in the direction of Myers Lake leaving Spock, XCM and Gomer there)
Spock: As the Captain was saying before he was distracted, we are here on official Federation business. Our research indicates that our enemies, the Klingons, have time-warped back to this particular point in time and space on planet Earth. We fear they are using a complex liquid substance made from your corn to attempt to subvert the time-space continuim in order to alter the future in their favor.
Gomer: Shazam! I never have seen ears like them before. You are not from around here are you Mister?
Spock: No, I am from the planet Vulcan.
Gomer: Vulcan? That must be clean on the other side of Mt. Pilot. Can’t say as I ever heard of Vulcan though. Never seen ears like them neither.
Spock: I am First Officer of the USS Starship Enterprise and I need to find the Klingons immediately.
Gomer: Can’t recall any Klinguns around here neither. I do know some Clemons who live back over in the holler near my cousin Goober. Mister, do you think you can stay for a while? I’d sure would like Goober to see them ears. He would not believe me if’n he didn’t.
Spock: That is not possible. The Klingons have criminal intent in mind and I must find a way to stop them.
Gomer: Criminals eh? They may just be kin to the Clemons then. Everybody knows they run a still, but Sheriff Taylor and Barney can’t catch em at it.
Spock: Where is this Sheriff? He may be able to help us.
Gomer: Down at the courthouse I reckon. Just head yonder down that road. You can’t miss it.
Spock: Live long and prosper.
Gomer: Good luck to you and yours. Tell Andy and Barney that Gomer says hey.
(Spock and XCM go towards the courthouse and encounter Floyd the barber on the way)
Floyd: Hello fellas. Say, you must be new in town. Need a haircut? Oh, (seeing Spock) looks like you already got one- and he got your ears! heh heh heh
Spock: We are looking for your courthouse- as you call it.
Floyd: It is just next door. What are you fellas doing in town? Will you be here long? Sure you don’t want a haircut? Your sideburns look a little uneven. Kinda makes your ears stick out more.
Spock: That is illogical.
(Spock and XCM urgently enter the courthouse finding only Deputy Barney Fife leaning back in the chair behind the desk singing through the telephone to Juanita down at the Diner. Seeing them enter, Barney quickly acts like the call is official police business and hurriedly hangs up)
Barney: Can I help your fellers?
Spock: I am First Officer Spock from the USS Enterprise and we are here on an urgent mission to stop the criminal Klingons from altering the time-space continuum and thereby destroying the future as we know it. Sheriff we need your help.
(Barney gets all flustered and nervous and fumbles around trying to get his bullet out of his pocket)
Barney: Gosh, boy, I didn’t even know the Klingers were in town. I understand they are a tough gang. You guys from the state office should let us know about these things. Wait til Ange hears about this. Criminal Klingers in Mayberry! You can count on us!
Spock: Glad to hear that Sheriff…
Barney: Well, I don’t know if you should call me Sheriff. Andy Taylor- he is the high Sheriff of Mayberry. I am deputy Barney Fife. Andy is up at the Rafe Hollister place smashing Rafe’s still. You know what we do to them stills? Pow, pow pow! Yessir, pow, pow, pow!
Spock: So you are not the Sheriff?
Barney: Uh, no, well, I guess with Ange away I am the acting Sheriff. They don’t call me fast-gun Fife for nothing you know. My whole body is a weapon. Chop, chop! Now what can I do for you Spock? Let’s go get them Klingers!
Spock: Actually, by using the advance sonar from our ship, we have located the approximate coordinates where the Klingons are hiding. We need two things- someone who is familiar with the landscape there and a possible holding place to lock-up any surviving Klingons for a short time. Can you help with this Sheriff?
Barney: Are you kiddin! I know this place like the back of my hand. I was only lost just that once but I followed them lake loons back to safety. And here at the Rock we have two maximum security cells that no Klinger will ever be able to escape from.
Spock: Very good then. Let’s proceed. We have no time to waste.
(As they exit the courthouse a car speeds to a stop. Kirk and McCoy emerge from the fun girls car with lipstick all over their faces and their hair a mess)
Skippy: Look, Daph, its Bernie!
Daphne: Hello doll. (then they speed off)
Kirk: When have you had fun like that, Bones?
McCoy: (Woozy) Huh, what did you say Jim?
Spock: Are you okay Doctor? Do you need my assistance? I can administer the Vulcan mind-meld.
McCoy: Stay away from me Spock! Don’t be trying any of that Vulcan voodoo on me!
(Spock makes introductions and explains what they are about to do)
Kirk: Nice to have you on board Sheriff Fite.
Barney: That’s Fife- F-I-F-E. Boy, you state guys sure have some kind of uniforms. (Pointing to the Federation symbol on their chest) Is that some kind of new fangled badge?
Kirk: Why yes it is. It is just for our special team.
Barney: What will they think of next down at the state office? Uh, when this is over do you think you can help me with my request for a new fingerprint kit? I keep sending in the request, but nothing ever happens.
Kirk: Sheriff Fike…
Barney: That is Fife, and uh, I am not really the Sheriff, but Ange is out of town….
Kirk: Look, I will have to swear you to secrecy here. Uh, the boys in the lab at the state office have come up with some new weapons and gadgets to help us fight crime. So what you see here today you must keep to yourself. Is that understood?
Barney: Of course. You can count on reliable Barney Fife. That’s for sure. I would never spill any state office beans. Not me. Not ole Barn.
Kirk: Good. Have you found the exact location of the Klingons, Spock?
Spock: Yes Captain.
Kirk: (Taking out his transmitter and explaining to Barney that it is new type of walkie-talkie) Scotty beam five to the location Spock is sending. (Scotty tries but something goes wrong and Kirk and company are still in front of the courthouse)
Kirk: Scotty, we must be beamed over now!
Scotty: I’m given her everything I got Captain! (He tries again and successfully beams them over)
Barney: (Looking around in bewilderment) Wow! Those lab boys sure have got some kind of new gadgets! Now about that fingerprint kit….
Spock: According to my calculations the Klingons should be at the end of this road.
Kirk: Okay, set guns to vaporize.
(They all proceed down the road with ray guns and pistol at the ready. At the end of the road they do not find the Klingons however- just an old shack with the sounds of music coming out of it)
Briscoe: Well, if’n it ain’t the deputy! What are you doin in these parts? Who you done brought with ya now?
Barney: These are important men Mr. Darling and we are on official state business. We are looking for some criminals named Klingers and we think they are around here somewhere.
Briscoe: Klingers, you say? Don’t rightly know any of them. Do know some Clemons over in the back holler. Sometimes they are up to no good.
Spock: Captain, we do not have time to waste. We must find the Klingons now.
Briscoe: Now wait just a dog-gonned minute here. That ain’t no ways to come up to a fellers homestead and be all in a hurry. Ya’ll come on in and set a spell. The boys here are just itching to pick a little, ain’t you boys?
(The boys just look blankly into space)
Briscoe: Now don’t get too excited boys. It ain’t good for yer breathin.
Charlene: Pa, the one with the funny ears is cute. Can I keep him?
Briscoe: Now, Charlene, how many times do I have to tell you. You are betrothed to Dud Walsh. You stay away from that feller. He don’t look to sophisticated in mountain ways. Besides you don’t want to have younguns walking around with them ears.
McCoy: Goodness, Jim! What kind of people is this? We have gone back to the dark ages.
Briscoe: Now listen here Mister…
Kirk: Okay, Mr. Darling, we will come up- but just for a moment.
Briscoe: Good and good, then. Howse about gettin started with “I’da Married Ya, but Ya Burnt Down My House”?
Charlene: That one makes me cry, Pa!
(They enter the shack and the boys start picking and singing Dooley. Briscoe gives Kirk a jug to play along and Charlene starts to dance with Spock. About that time a rock comes crashing through the window with a note on it. Barney picks it up and reads it.)
Barney: It’s from Earnest T Bass! It says, “If your a lookin for the Klinguns, look and see. It’s me, it’s me, it’s Earnest T!”
Kirk: Who is this Earnest T Bass?
Briscoe: He is a mean one, Captain.
Charlene: He is touched.
Barney: He’s a nut!
Kirk: Well, whatever he is, it appears that he is an ally of the Klingons. We will just have to deal with him too.
Barney: I will take care of Earnest T Bass. I will take him behind the woodshed and give him what for.
Briscoe: He’ll kill ya.
Barney: I will show him a thing or two.
Charlene: He’ll kill ya.
Barney: Or my name is not Benard P Fife!
Kirk: He’ll kill ya.
(Just then Spock gets an idea. He remembers it is the Klingon Month of Marriage and purposes to flush the Klingons out by offering up to them a bride. Knowing that it is far too dangerous for Charlene, they all agree to dress Barney up as a bride to entice the Klingons. They put Barney in a field as bait and wait. All of a sudden the Klingons emerge from the bushes led by Earnest T Bass. A huge fight ensues. XCM gets killed by a rock slung by Earnest T. but everyone else escapes injury while all the Klingons get zapped thereby saving the day. In the battle however, Barney was carried away by Earnest T but is saved when they give Earnest T a Federation u-knee-form in exchange for Barney)
(They all go back to Mayberry where they meet Andy. He invites them all over to his house for some good ole cooking from Aunt Bea. Upon arrival they see Opie crying, holding a bird he had just killed with his slingshot)
McCoy: (Taking the bird from Opie) Jim, these people are barbarians! (He then runs a gizmo over the bird and it flys away making Opie very happy)
(They are then joined by Gomer and enjoy a wonderful home-cooked meal together. Afterwards they go out on the front porch for some relaxing and guitar playing)
Gomer: Shazam! I have never heard of such doins as you fellers did today. Ga-aia-lee, pointy ears, fancy badges, new fangled walkie-talkies, travlin through space… (Kirk looks over at Barney)
Barney: Gome, don’t you have something to do or somewhere to go? Well, I didn’t think telling Gomer would hurt anything. He is a deputy sometimes, you know.
Kirk: We really must go.
Andy: What’s your hurry?
Barney: Yea, I am about to get up and go down to the drug store and get some ice cream and go over to Thelma Lou’s to watch a George Raft movie on TV. Yep, that is what I am gong to do. Want to come?
Gomer: Gee, Barn, that sounds like fun!
Barney: I wasn’t talking to you Gomer!
Spock: Captain, by my calculations we can only stay in this time for 10.3 seconds more or will run the risk of distorting the time-space continuum.
Andy: Well, we wouldn’t want you fellers to do that, now would we?
Kirk: Very good, I will contact Scotty and have him beam us up.
Andy: Be sure to tell the boys at the state office hello from us.
Barney: And about that fingerprint kit….
(Aunt Bea rushes out just in time with paper bags full of sandwiches and fried chicken for the road. Kirk, Spock and McCoy say their farewells and walk behind a bush and are beamed up)
Opie: Gee, Pa, I wanted those guys to stay so I could enjoy some adventure sleepin on the ironing board.
Barney: The streets of Mayberry are safe once more. If I say so myself Ange, those state boys were just a little lost out there in the mountains.
Gomer: I gotta ask Goober if he has ever been to Vulcan. I wonder if all them fellers there have pointy ears? And Barney, when are you and Andy gonna get them fancy uniforms?
Gomer: Tell me again how you looked as a bride Barn?
Barney: Nip it Gomer! Nip it in the bud!