Mayberry Meets Sanford and Son

(On his way back from a trip to Philadelphia, Fred G. Sanford takes the wrong bus and ends up in Mayberry where he gets arrested for jaywalking at Checkpoint Chickie by Deputy Barney Fife who proceeds to take Fred to the courthouse in the side car of the official Mayberry Police motorcycle which he recently purchased at a war surplus sale)

Barney: All right fella, into the side car. You have got a date with the high sheriff of Mayberry to set your fine.

Fred: I don’t date just anybody! And what you mean? I ain’t gonna ride in this contraption.

Barney: No use arguing or else you will have to spend a little time in the rock.

(Fred reluctantly gets in the side car. Barney dons his helmet, goggles and gloves and drives wildly back to the courthouse, barely missing Aunt Bea coming out of the market, and then screeches to a stop as Sheriff Andy Taylor walks out of the door)

Andy: Barrr-neee! You need to slow down in that thing. You made Aunt Bea drop her grocery bag. Somebody’s gonna get hurt.

Barney: Deputy Bernard P. Fife reporting in with a prisoner- one Fred G. Sanford who was willfully jaywalking at Checkpoint Chickie!

Fred: (looking woozy) This sure don’t look like Watts to me. Hold on Elizabeth, I may be coming to you soon, honey!

Andy: (helping Fred out of the sidecar) Barney, did you have to bring him all the way in? Couldn’t you just give him a warning or something?

Barney: That is what is wrong around here! We have been mollycoddling criminals too long Sheriff. It is time we nip crime in the bud. Ange you know, if we give them 25 then they will want 30. If we give them 30 then they will want 35. He clearly is in violation of rule 33, section 4a of the code, Sheriff! 

Andy: Okay, come on in Mr. Sanford. (They all go in the courthouse and gather around Andy’s desk)  I will set your fine at $10.

Fred: Ten dollars? Ten dollars? What do you mean- ten dollars? I ain’t got no ten dollars? But I can give your deputy here five (holding up his fist) – five across his lips!

Barney: (Excited) Are you threatening a duly sworn officer of the law? Andy, he just threatened me! We have to throw the book at him. We can’t let him get away with this! Nip it! Nip it in the bud!

Fred: You must be some kind of crazy person. (mumbling) Some kind of deputy dog or something!

Barney: I heard that! (holding up his fists- which in turn gets Fred to do his shadow boxing moves, causing Andy to get between them) Hold me back Andy! Let me at him! Hold me back! My whole body is a weapon. Hold me back!

Andy: Barrr-neee! That is no way for a duly sworn officer of the law to act! Okay, now both of you calm down and let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this. Mr. Sanford, you say you do not have ten dollars?

Fred: That’s right. The junk bisness is kind of slow right now.

Andy: Well, do you think you could get it anytime soon?

Fred: My son was with me in Philly and is supposed to be leaving there tomorrow. I guess he could come by and give it to you even though all you’re doin is robbing me. Who ever heard of jaywalking at some Checkpoint Chicken anyway?

Barney: There he goes again Andy! You are not going to let him get away with that again are you? Nip it!

Fred: (Holding up his fist again) Nip this!

Andy: (flustered) Settle down, settle down! We will let Mr. Sanford call his son and he can bring the fine by and that will be that. In the meantime Mr. Sanford will just have to stay locked up here at the courthouse.

Fred: Locked up! What kind of foolishness is that? What do you think the “G” in Fred G. Sanford stands for- Gambino! If you was in Watts, I’d ….. (he makes a move toward Barney)

Andy: That’s enough now! There is just no other way to do it. Try to understand. 

(Andy gets Sara to make the call into Philly and Lamont agrees to come down the next day and pay the fine. Meanwhile Fred is put into one of the cells. Barney agrees to spend the night and Aunt Bea sends up fried chicken for dinner)

Fred: Well, at least I am getting a good meal out of this.

(At that time Gomer Pyle comes into the courthouse)

Gomer: Andy told me you was working late Barn. I am on my way to the movie– The Tomato that Ate Pittsburg- I am gonna meet my cousin Goober there- it’s supposed to be a good un.

Barney: That is fine Gomer. You go right ahead. I am on official duty guarding our prisoner. (Gomer walks over to the cell and stares at Fred)

Gomer: Shazam!

Fred: What are you looking at honky? I have seen some ugly white men in my life- and you one of em!

Gomer: Surpise! Surprise! It’s just that we ain’t seen many folks like you around here. Once there was a feller who joined up with army that time when Earnest T. Bass wanted a uniform.

Barney: Leave the prisoner alone Gomer! If you get too close, he might try something. He threatened me today. He is a tricky one.

Gomer: Shazam!

Fred: I’d like to show you something alright! Just let me get out of here, I’ll show you something- something you ain’t never seen before- upside yo head!!! (Gomer leaves)

Barney: Alright- now settle down Sanford. You need to know that here at the Rock we have two rules. Memorize them so you can say them in your sleep- Rule number one: Obey all rules: Rule number two; no writing on the walls.

(Just then the door crashes open and in comes the town drunk Otis- he heads to his cell and finds Fred in it)

 

 

Otis: Barney, why is there someone in my cell? You know that is my cell? It has been for years. Why is someone in my cell?

Barney: Pipe down Otis! You can use the other cell tonight.

Otis: But Barney, you know I don’t sleep as well in that other cell- and I need my sleep. If I keep getting treated like this, I will take my business to the Mt.Pilot jail. I hear they have nice beds there.

Barney: Just get in the other cell Otis! And you better not have any of that moonshine on you either! (At this Otis sneaks his bottle out and pours the contents in the water urn on the table)

Fred: What kind of crazy place is this? A bunch of crazy honkeys, that’s what this place is….

(Barney comes over and takes a drink out of the water urn. Otis begins to get nervous)

Barney: Police work sure makes me thirsty.

Fred: Then you should not be thirsty cuz I ain’t seen you do any police work.

Barney: (Drinking his second cup of water and looking at it funny) Quiet down, prishoner Slandford.

Fred; (Noticing Barney’s slurred speech) Prisoner work makes me thirsty. Give me a drink of that water. (Barney gives him a cup and Fred smacks it around in his mouth a little) Hmmm, tastes almost like ripple. I believe I will have some more.

(Barney and Fred spend the rest of the evening drinking the spiked water. Barney confesses to Fred how that being sensitive has always been a mark of the Fifes. Fred begins singing “If I Didn’t Care” and Barney accompanies him on the harmonica.)

(The next morning Andy comes in and finds Barney slouched over in the chair at his desk and shakes him awake, and gets a good wiff)

Andy: Barrr- neee! You’re gassed!

Barney: I’m sorry Ange. I don’t know what happened. One minute I was reading the prisoner the rules and the next minute… well I can’t remember.

Andy: Barney this won’t do. It won’t do at taaaalll! (Andy helps him to his feet and takes him to the back room for coffee. He leaves Barney there to get himself together and then goes to talk to the prisoners)

Andy: Otis, did you have anything to do with this? Mr. Sanford, you need to get up. Your son should be here soon.

Otis: Don’t blame me Andy. Barney said I couldn’t take it in the cell with me.

Andy: Go-on Otis. Get home. We got important work to do round here this morning.

Otis: What a way to treat you most regular customer! (As he leaves, Lamont and a woman walk in)

Lamont: Sheriff Taylor, I am Lamont Sanford and this is my Aunt Esther and we are here to pay the $10 so Pop can get out.

(As Andy is about to answer, Fred wakes up, looks at Esther and starts blinking his eyes)

Fred: Sheriff, I didn’t know you had a zoo in town. Looks like one of the gorillas escaped!

Esther: You better shut up, you fished-eyed fool. We came down here for the redemption of your soul.

Fred: Redemption? Only thing you are going to redeem is this! (holding up his fist)  I am going to redeem this upside your head!

Lamont: Pop! Now Aunt Esther insisted to come down here with me. She was concerned about you and wants to help.

 

Fred: And you are just a big dummy! Hmmph, the only thing she is concerned about is if the Sheriff finds her wanted poster- Wanted- Esther- for multiple counts of criminal ugliness!

Esther: Hah! Glory! Why I am gonna come over there and drop that fool!

Andy: Now everyone calm down!

Lamont: Sorry Sheriff, here is the ten dollars. Can I take my Pop now?

(At that time Barney enters from the back room)

Barney: You can’t take that Andy. We have to have a trail.

Fred: A trial! I know you are crazy now- deputy dog!

Barney: I heard that! Andy, are you going to let him speak that way to me?

Andy: Settle down, Barney. We don’t need a trial. They are going to pay the fine.

Barney: Under rule 21, section 8b of the code, it states that all accused will have the opportunity for a fair and legal trial. You know that Andy.

Andy: Yea, I know it Barney, but under the circumstances, I am going to let them just pay the fine.

Fred: I knew it! They are just trying to get my ten dollars!  Lamont get me a lawyer! We are going to have a trial!

Barney: Pipe down, prisoner!

Esther: You don’t need a lawyer Fred, you need the Lord.

Fred: When I get outta here Esther you are gonna need more than the Lord! (He starts his shadow boxing again)

Esther: Watch it sucka!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Barney: Okay everyone, NIP IT, NIP IT IN THE BUD! (He takes his gun out, forgets he has his bullet in it, and shoots. Parts of the ceiling come crashing down upon him, but it quiets everyone down) 

Andy: Barney, give me your gun. (Barney reluctantly hands it over) Now, Lamont if you will just pay the fine, you, your dad and your aunt are all free to go.

(Lamont pays the fine and they all exit the courthouse)

Lamont: I was afraid they were going to throw the book at you in there, Pop.

Fred: Looks like somebody has already thrown the book at Esther and hit her!

Esther: Yea, Fred, then me and the ladies would have had to come and pray for you. What would you have to say for yourself then Fred, if they threw the book at you?

Fred: (Looking at Lamont) I would say- Book her, Dummo! (They all get on the bus and head back home to Watts. Back at the courthouse…)

Barney: That was a tricky one, Ange. Took all my training as a law officer to not hurt that fella. You know us Fifes. Everything we eat turns to muscle and I woulda hated to have to muscle up on that guy.

Andy: Yea, I know what you mean, Barn.

Barney: I am serious Andy. You know I do gun-drawing practice ten minutes a day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry.

Andy: Kinda like you did that ceiling?

Barney: You’re real funny, aren’t you? Laugh-a-minute Taylor. Regular Joe Pennar. Hoot. Hoot. Yuck. Yuck. Why don’t you go down to the hospital some night and take the bolts out of wheelchairs? That’d be funny too!  

THE END